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Mother’s Day Advice From A Mom

May 10, 2013 Leave a comment

Mother’s day weekend is upon us. Somehow it has turned from one day to an entire weekend.  The greeting card aisles of most stores in my area have been scoured all week. Restaurants are gearing up for the big Sunday brunch push.  I hate to say it but it’s a big Hallmark holiday.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a nice card but it’s not necessary. My daughter made me a little gift in school and it’s the most perfect and appropriate gesture.

Restaurants and spas have become the go-to sources for Mother’s day celebrations in an attempt to offer rest.  I may not turn down a trip to either of these any other day of the week but on Mother’s day it’s a little contrived.

I’m not speaking for everyone but if you really want to give mom a break on mother’s day, consider spending the day doing everything that she does. All the little things that miraculously “get done” around your house, from laundry to toilet cleaning,  is not the work of elves.  Ask her for a list of things that she would like done. I don’t mean chore coupons. I mean get that list and get to work.  Consider giving Mom the gift of time; the time to let her go and do something on her own, of her choosing, while everything else accomplished.

Even if this means she is just sitting on the couch; it could be a magical treat.

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Somebody’s Searching Me: Internet Stalking

March 12, 2013 Leave a comment

I just finished discussing the Alice Mathias essay, “The Fakebook Generation” with my Composition 1 students. Our conversation moved from discussing how the use of Facebook has also increased the likelihood to “look up someone online.”

“For what?” I asked them. Their responses ranged from finding the rating of a professor before taking his/her class  to “seeing what a love interest was really like.” I understand this tendency. I don’t choose a physician or a restaurant without looking at reviews so why would a professor be any different. In my college days, the reputation of professors travelled by word of mouth. Today, a few key searches on most social networking sites opens a world of information. 

We are a society of people who seek out information. We want to be informed. There are things that we should be informed about. Then there are things that perhaps should remain none of our business.

This takes a dark and ugly turn into a world of inappropriate information as people use online searches in the effort to track the whereabouts and ideas of others in an attempt to use it against them.

I’m talking about stalking. It’s not just a matter of “Peeping Toms” anymore. Today, people will spend hours on the hunt for information about someone they may like or dislike.

Stalking can begin by looking up information about a love interest until it turns into an obsession. Stalking can also be looking up information about the whereabouts of an ex-husband to see how he spends time with his new wife. There are a million possibilities in between. All  are inappropriate and blurr the lines of what is safe and acceptable.

The first time I realized I was being stalked online came after an acquaintance  read a blog post and commented on it in a most attacking manner, taking everything I said out of context and making it about themselves–because that’s what they wanted it to be about (that’s what people who are hunting for you do)–regardless of what the topic really was.

I was shocked because, this person had never, in all the many times we were face to face, mentioned that they read my blog. Here is someone who is friends with me on Facebook, has my phone number, my email and yet, watched and waited for that moment to “get me.” They were searching for something. In my rookie blogging, I guess I gave them that one thread. Of course, in their rookie sleuthing, wouldn’t it have been more savvy to leave a gentle comment acknowledging my blog and their readership?

The  experience left me knowing one thing, they went looking for me. They set out to Google me. They embarked on a search to find something to justify their personal dislike of me. That’s creepy.

Recently, when someone revealed that they knew exactly where my family and I were on a given day–in an effort to intimidate us–I turned to my blog analytics and Google analytics for answers.  I found an array of searches for me, my blog, and even my daughter. It’s scary but it’s also evidence. I know exactly who is searching for me and where. I know the terms they use and when. I know that there are legal orders in place to protect my family. There are laws. There are boundaries whether or not those who “lurk online” choose to believe or not. These boundaries are legally protected.

In class, my students acknowledge that a search for a special someone has clear boundaries between appropriate and grounds for a restraining order.  I truly have to wonder about the generations before them who spend hours “sleuthing” online for information. It’s the equivalent of driving past someone’s house. We see you. Whether you are at the window or online, your presence is visible.  At the end of the day the only thing you have proven is that you are a stalker with very little impulse control.

So I offer this. If you are one to spend any time searching online to “uncover something” about a person, know that you should control those desires. Step away from the computer; find a hobby.
Re-direct your anger and your activity.

If you fear that you are being stalked online. Document everything. Print out everything. Control the settings on all of your social networking, (Like Facebook!) Do not hesitate to contact Google, your internet provider, the internet provider of the stalker (usually a stalker is someone you know). Get a restraining order. Should you already have a restraining order, remind your stalker that it is still in place.

Finally, tell your stalker to stop. And from there do not entertain anymore engagement. Use the legal resources available to you to protect yourself and your family.  The bottom line is that people are dangerous. Be careful, if you have a stalking story, please share it. Afterall, there is safety in numbers.

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A Moment Of Writing

August 7, 2012 Leave a comment

Whenever I prepare to write this blog and I grapple with “Why do I do this?” and “What’s the point?” I have to admit to myself that I’ve been a storyteller since I was a little girl so that’s why I do it. Because I can’t not do.

I think about my grandmother. The days we spent together when I was a child just creating. Before she switched her hobby to marriage, we’d sit at the big kitchen table she would give me a pencil and paper and say, “We are going to write a poem.” And that would be it; now we write. It was so easy then. There was no blinking cursor.

When I was young, the blank page was a moment of opportunity; a door to imagination. Usually, she would move on to drawing. I stuck with the writing. Eventually, my poems would turn into stories and I would just tell them to her, waiting for a laugh, because being funny was the best talent you could have in my family.

It was always poetry too. Maybe it’s the musicality of poetry. In my house there was always someone singing or playing the piano, poetry seems like a logical choice. Today, I think I stuck with poetry because it’s an easier commitment than a short story or a novel. I prefer poems to novels, vignettes to short stories. I’m a writer whose afraid of the commitment to the page. Is that possible?

I don’t talk to my grandmother as much as I should. I’m greedy and still basking in the fact that she’s here. The kitchen is gone, the table too but I write everyday. She never stops to reminding me of how we would write together. Everyday, I write. Everyday I go back to that moment at the kitchen table.

 

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5 Years And Still Married

May 25, 2012 Leave a comment

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Five years ago today I my husband and I were married. Getting married, after two messy divorces and moving 3 times, felt like we reached the finish line of a marathon. Today, it’s still a great feeling to reflect on every year  we have been married and know that everything has happened for a reason. Maybe it does not seem like it at the time but we firmly believe every decision helps to move us forward.

I never thought I would get married,ever, let alone twice. Joe and I met, through the same circle of friends, when I was 19. If anyone had told me then that the guy in the Calvin and Hobbs baseball cap would be the father of my daughter and my best buddy, and the greatest husband I could ever have, I probably would have pursued him more aggressively then. But it wouldn’t have been the right time, Remember? Everything happens for a reason! Even when I reflect on some of the events of my life, guffaw, and ask “how?” I have to believe it.

With the divorce rate being over 50% in recent years, every wedding anniversary counts. Although, I don’t believe in going overboard for anniversaries, I most certainly believe in taking the time to acknowledge this journey we are taking together and where we are in it. Are we on the same page? Do we communicate? Are we still in love? Is the passion still there? Are we moving forward? Yes.  Sometimes we yell and argue. Sometimes, he makes me so mad I wonder where my best friend is but I know we are still there. Still pulling for the same cause that is our life together.

And in other nerd news, evidently, 5 years ago we were married on the 30th anniversary of Star Wars Episide IV. My husband just discovered this last night, I had no idea. It makes the memory of being introduced at our reception to the “Imperial March” even sweeter, I imagine.

I am lucky. My wish for others is to look at your own marriages and be able to prioritize and think the same thing. It’s like a momentary status check of values. Try it. Happy anniversary, Joe. I love you.

 

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It’s my anniversary

August 19, 2011 2 Comments

Well, it’s the two year anniversary of my blog. It was almost poetic how I came to be reminded that my blog is two years old. I was sitting on my couch, watching Netflix via my Logitech Review (which is awesome) and thinking about what topic I should tackle for today. I began scrolling around my blog, from the readers view, when I saw the archives tab at the bottom of the page. At the very bottom of the tab it said, August 2009

I am always a fan of reflecting on my writing. Although it has changed a lot recently, I am in constant reflection of my content. When it comes to my family and my past, I’m over it. I’ve discussed it and I have moved on. My current family situation clearly is my priority. Alright, sometimes I find that I think about the past and growing up but only because it’s so different from the life I have created. It’s a story that I need to tell, but ugh, not now. Now it feels like a chore.

I am proud of the fact that I have a produced a chronicle for my daughter. Every time I get down on myself for not filling out the complimentary baby book from the cord blood company, I do have 167 posts about our life, mainly Scarlett’s.

I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment that I was able to commit to this and stick with it. This week, before this moment, I was not feeling very accomplished (not after receiving my first rejection letter for my book).

My earliest posts were some poetry, my thesis abstract, and an anecdote about vacationing with my husband. Over time, my posts ran the gamut of clever, self deprecating, biting, honest and the usual journey of process that is the bane of most writers.

Two years ago, I wrote one day a week. Now, I write two days a week. Two years ago I was afraid that I would forget to post during a given week. Now, I’m always thinking about what I should write next. Even if no one else reads my blog except me, I know it’s alive. The internet is filled with abandoned blogs. I’m proud that I’ve kept mine alive.

Two years ago I would have never believed what this blog, this life would become. Not that it’s over. Far from it, in fact.

If you liked this, check out my book: http://www.amazon.com/Pregnancy-Skeptical-Woman-ebook/dp/B0055E6ZAU

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Parenting for the Skeptical Woman: Change, Part 1

February 11, 2011 1 Comment

Since the moment my daughter was born she actively changed everything in my life. I had a year off from work as a teacher and I knew that the day would come when I had to mentally prepare for another big change; the day I would return to work.

It’s not like I have spent the last nine months leisurely taking care of my house. I have written a manuscript, maintained a blog, embarked on a freelance writing career, and continued to teach online classes. I have done all of this while putting in 15+ hour days as a mother.

Whenever I would think about returning to my full-time job, I would look away from Scarlett, close my eyes and picture myself back at work full-time and what that meant. If I were lucky, she would be in day care for eight hours a day. I would be able to see her for one hour in the morning, as we got ready to leave, and three hours at night. Between the hours of 4 and 7, I would squeeze in family dinner, baths, preparing for the next day, and bed time. Of course, she would have to go to bed earlier in order for us to be out the door by 7: 20 in the morning.

At work, I would interact among the adults. I would go to meetings, teach classes, grade papers, break up fights, discipline students. I would laugh with my friends and go to school events with them. I would be with other people’s children. 75% of my paycheck would go to daycare. The other 25% would go to a cleaning lady and probably take out because I would need to scrape up any spare time to spend with Scarlett. I would have to give up most of my part-time projects. No more teaching online, no more freelance work. No chance of working on my next writing project or publishing the work I have now.

What was I gaining. What would return? The stress of angry teenagers. Meetings, Unions, Governor’s Christie’s active fucking-over of all public school teachers. Luckily, I don’t need to work for benefits. I have been on Joe’s for the last year. What am I working full-time for? Either way, I will face a financial struggle. So do I struggle with my daughter or without her? Do I struggle to miss her life?

Do I want a $10.00/hour day care technician raising my child? Do I want to read about her daily activities in a chart if I don’t absolutely have to?

I look back at Scarlett who is happily running in place in her bouncy swing. She looks up at me and smiles.  When did my heart grow three sizes?

How do I miss this? How do I give this up? What am I gaining if I return to teaching full-time? What part of myself will I re-gain if I return?

I don’t want to lose my friends. I don’t want to lose social interaction. But if my friends are my friends, then they won’t go anywhere. Maybe I could benefit from new social interaction? What is out there for Scarlett and I to discover?

Do I work full-time to pay for seeing my daughter 5 hours a day?

Yesterday, I had to make this decision. Finally, I had to tell the school if I would be returning or not next year.

I did feel like I was losing something of the teacher I have become in the last five years. I am good at what I do and I do it wholeheartedly. I teach, I am on committees, I am active in the union.  But I realized that I am good at what I do. If I need to, I can always go back to doing it, full-time.

I chose Scarlett.

I chose the fact that my husband and I are fortunate enough to have his job and his healthcare. I gave up work clothes, lunches, social events, and stress.

I chose my family.

How many times will I ever have this chance? Who knows what the future will bring. But for right now, I choose to take a huge risk for a woman like me.

I chose home.

Filed under Parenting, Two Man Minimum

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